Not by my choice, I have a lot of family that doesn't seem to have time for me unless they need something. so I do my best to appreciate the friends who try to fill those empty places in my life. I grew up with my dad's extended family and loved Thanksgiving and Christmas. For most of the past twelve years, I have grieved my way through those two holidays and the period between them. I had Thanksgiving dinner this year with George and Bill and was just grateful I wasn't alone, but managed this ONLY with the addition of a sedative to my usual "happy pills".
Apparently my leaving an abusive marriage 12+ years ago has cost me the right to my sons' time during holidays, and frankly, this is one of those times I almost wish I'd just stayed and let the beatings and rape continue. At least I wouldn't have to scramble for manufactured "family". Anyone who glibly tells a battered woman (especially with childen) "Just LEAVE! You'll be FINE!!" doesn't have a CLUE about the realities that one act causes. I've been accused of abandoning my sons and of being a loose woman and bat-sh*t crazy. Please tell me how this is really a GOOD thing, because at the moment, I'm not seeing it.
It turns out i wasn't just giving up the right to be abused, beaten, raped, and publicly humiliated; apparently I also unwittingly was giving up my rights to be included in family plans for holidays or any other time.
My sister, who has now decided she is a "he", was always a butch lesbian, and I remember having to dig in my heels to get the children's sperm donor to allow our middle son, Tyler, to spend a few weeks with her in Boston, along with her "life partner" and the partner's kids in the summer before 6th grade. Believe me, this didn't go over well with my mother or the children's father, who had nothing good to say about the potential harm this could do to Tyler. I maintained it was hogwash and insisted he be allowed to go. I think for the most part, i made the right decision. The only thing I didn't count on was that after my divorce, that sister would help the ex get sole custody of the boys from me and signed over to their father. Now Tyler has migrated to Boston to be near "Uncle Miles". I don't give a rat's rear end what someone's gender identity or sexual preference is, and have always defended folks' right to be who they are, but for that person to believe she/he has the right to interfere in my rights as a parent and teach my sons not to love me is beyond ironic.
Since the children's sperm donor got custody of them, I have seen Joel ONE TIME in 11 years. Please understand I was given unlimited, unsupervised visitation - which was set up in such a way as to be punitive. A judge from the Arkansas Judicial Disciplinary Commission said it was clearly punitive and one of the absolute worst calls he'd seen in his entire career, but i couldn't afford to appeal the decision. So I'll pay for the rest of my life. The boys' father refused to allow me to exercise my right to visit Joel unless a whole bunch of people were there to supervise and make sure Joel and I didn't have any real, heartfelt conversation. I offered to get the Magnolia, Arkansas youth officer, Ronnie Bell, to be the third party and visit Joel at the police station, but the ex refused to allow it. The police wouldn't do anything about it because it was a "civil" matter. (I've been paying child support since that time and still am). Please tell me how this has turned out okay.
When Tyler moved to Boston in the fall, I asked him to please plan to spend Thanksgiving with me. Haven't heard a word from him. Eric and Stephanie have begun a tradition of having a big "Army Family" Thanksgiving get-together for all their friends from Eric's time in the Army. I think that's *great*, but feel that now I've outlived my usefulness, I'm supposed to just fade to grey, and it hurts. A lot.
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