What is abuse?

What is abuse? According to www.mincava.umn.edu, "abuse is defined as the systematic pattern of behaviors in a relationship that are used to gain and/or maintain power and control over another."

When we define domestic violence in terms of physical abuse only we do not fully understand the dynamics that keep these relationships together.

To me, physical abuse is merely the tip of the iceberg. It's also the most socially acceptable form of abuse to discuss, because its evidence is usually so blatant - a black eye, a bruised breast, buttocks and thighs covered in welts left by a belt or clothes hanger wielded by an angry hand.

In my experience, physical abuse is generally an indicator that other forms of abuse are going on in the abusive relationship. Just as "faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen" Hebrews 11:1, KJV, physical abuse is the substance, the evidence of a far bigger, if usually unseen, problem.

Far less easily seen are the other, more insidious forms of abuse - psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. These frequently leave no physical scars, so they are harder to prove and easier to ignore. In reality, these forms of abuse do far more damage and have much longer-term effects on the victim.

Unless there's blood or a public "scene", it is pretty much accepted that if we didn't see it, it didn't happen, and the person who says he or she has been abused is frequently viewed as a "drama queen" or "attention-seeker". The knowledge of this probable perception frequently makes victims very reluctant to report these forms of abuse, because they fear they may be met with scepticism or outright derision.

Abusers are generally very good at hiding abuse. They convince their victims that nobody will believe if they tell relatives, friends, law enforcement personnel, teachers, pastors/rabbis, or anyone else who might intervene. What is the tool the abuser most often uses? "They'll never believe YOU. They won't love you, because they'll see how worthless you are, which is the reason I did this. It's YOUR fault."

Because much of my life story is that of having been a victim of every single one of these forms of abuse, I will be exploring all of them and dissecting them, discussing them in detail, along with their implications and the fallout, the long-lasting results of those abuses. If you have a weak stomach or want to pretend that this sort of thing doesn't happen and doesn't have lasting effects on its victims, I'd advise you to move along and retreat to the pretty universe in which you choose to exist, a universe where bad things don't happen, most especially to innocents.