Finding My Wings

Two days ago I reached a milestone; I turned 50. This morning I awoke to yet another oft-repeated page from my past: verbal abuse. I swore to myself and a friend several years ago that by the time I was 50, I would be with a man who loved me as much as I loved him (overwhelmingly, wonderfully, and completely) and with whom I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life. I would be HAPPY.

I remember being asked "Well, what if he's not READY yet?" to which I replied "If he's NOT, he's obviously not the right man." Then I let that moment retreat quietly to a corner of my mind, and have rarely allowed it to come to the forefront of my consciousness.

During the past three weeks or so, that thought has returned to the forefront of my thoughts, and I remember that I am never going to be the injured, frightened girl I was for those fifty years; I am going to be a happy, fulfilled woman. I don't expect life to be perfect, but I will no longer be a victim, no longer allow my sweet, pleasant nature to be suppressed, or my creativity quashed by those whose  primary pleasure in life is making others feel "less than". Only toxic people deliberately make others feel "less than", and I've had a constant string of them since birth. Today I'm saying "ENOUGH" to those people.

Ever since I can first remember, perhaps since about the age of 2 1/2, I have been abused in some way on a perpetual basis. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I now know that abuse exists in many forms, most of them so insidious you'd never notice them.

My egg donor was a beautiful woman who used her looks and pseudo-beauty to dazzle my father, who married her and brought her several levels up the food chain from "white trash" to polite society. Then she proceeded to manipulate and abuse him until he died of a massive stroke at age 53. He was a moth drawn to a candle flame. He never stood a chance, and being a good and loving man who truly believed there was good in most people was his undoing. He died trying to please this glamorous woman who was full of herself and greed. He never tried to impress anyone, but she more than made up for that. 

She frequently lost her temper with me. I was a bright little girl with a bubbly  temperament; obedient, dutiful, and easy to please. I've been a dog person like my Daddy since infancy; I don't just adore dogs, I have the heart of a dog. No, that isn't a bad thing. I am loving, effusively and sincerely adoring my beloved. I am loyal to a fault, and I am happiest when I am doing anything that will please my humans.  

No, I do not consider myself to be subhuman, but given much of what has happened in my first fifty years, it's a wonder I don't.