How To Raise A Happy Child to Be A Happy Adult, Part I

My egg donor was not the ideal parent. She would have been kind if she'd left to pursue her nightclub singing career and left my Dad to raise us. She did more harm than good by a long shot. This left me with long-term  scars and feelings of unworthiness of even the smallest human kindness. If someone is kind to me, I wonder why they'd do it. If I am treated as though I AM, indeed, enough to be loved and befriended by good people, I'm still taken by surprise. Before I ever was a parent, I made a conscious decision NOT to be that sort of parent,

My dad and his parents, my Pappaw and Nanny Childs, were all life-long learners and taught parenting skills by example. They were "old school". We didn't spend out lives in front of a TV and whining that we were bored. I never considered boredom a possibility, and really didn't fully understand the concept. There was always something to do. In fact, I still don't fully understand the concept of boredom.

What I learned about parenting, I learned from my grandparents and my dad. They were strict and believed in working hard, but they loved and encouraged me at every possible opportunity.More importantly, without knowing they were doing so, they gave me the tools to become a good parent.

My second husband remarked during an ugly moment of reality that he'd have turned out much differently if I had raised him. (That's not technically possible, since he's twelve years older than I am.) I had to take a bit of time to process that. I'm pretty sure it was a compliment.

I helped raise my youngest brother, have three sons who are grown, and there's been an amazing little boy in my life from birth-almost 5 years old at present, and the ones I've had the privilege of helping raise have turned out to have some things in common:

Things I learned from growing up and being a parent and teacher:

1)  Build a child's self-esteem based not only upon what he can do, but on the good things he does for others. Teach him to be useful at home as a matter of routine from the time he is old enough to understand what you're doing. Children love to imitate. Matter-of-factly include him in daily household routines, and thank him every time he helps, praising him frequently for being such a good helper. This isn't slave labor, folks. It's teaching your child to be useful and to find fulfillment in serving others and the common good. Praise him, both privately and to friends when the child is around to overhear you.

2)   Expect honesty. Be truthful with your child and verbally communicate to him from the time he is small that we must take accountability for our own actions. I have always believed that if I do something that's going to upset someone else, I might as well just raise my hand then and there and cry "foul" on myself, apologize sincerely, and do my best to correct the situation. Let your child know if he does something he shouldn't you'd rather he tell you about it before someone else does, because you ARE likely to find out eventually somehow. That's what parents do.

When (not if) your child does something he shouldn't, encourage him to tell you what he did, why he did it, and discuss it with you. Together, come up with a solution, and most importantly, praise him for being truthful. This doesn't mean he's going to go unscathed, but let him know the consequences will be far smaller because he volunteered the information and did his best to rectify the situation.

3) Teach good manners from babyhood. "Please" and "thank you" don't cost a thing, but they go a long way in making people feel appreciated. Give your child praise for being polite. If he neglects to do so, stop whatever is going on right then, and say "Please and thank you." Every. Single. Time. Eventually he'll catch on, and it becomes a lifetime habit. Teach an "attitude of gratitude".

My first year of teaching high school English, the first homework assignment I gave, I instructed the students to please do the exercise on whatever page and to write in complete sentences. I was somewhat surprised the next day because not one of 25 tenth-graders in that class had done the assignment. Why? One of them finally raised his hand and said "Well, you said PLEASE, so we didn't think we had to do it if we didn't want to!" At that moment, I realized my sons weren't being raised like most of their peers. They understood that "please" is just a matter of having good manners. I assured the class that "please" doesn't mean the assignment is optional.

"It'll Get Done"

I grew up on a farm. My dad’s parents were an agri professor and a high school principal. My dad had a great work ethic and sense of responsibility, perhaps too great. If something needed to be done, they didn’t wait to be told; they just DID it. Nike had nothing on them, and that’s how I was raised.

I grew up believing all kids had chores, didn’t talk back, didn’t argue with their elders, and always made good grades because it was the done thing. Thanks to my dad and my Childs grandparents, I had a sense of responsibility ingrained in me before I had a chance to get the idea that I was the center of the universe or that I didn’t have to do what I knew needed to be done. If I saw something to be done, I didn’t wait to be told to do it, and I didn’t expect to need to be told. I’m proud to say I’m still that way and wouldn’t change it if I could.

I raised my sons this way. They’re not perfect but they are not lazy. They are “self-starters”. I’m a “self-starter”.  I am seriously allergic to lazy people and to people who assume somebody else will take care of whatever needs to be done in life.

I’m trying to put in a board and bead ceiling and remodel a bathroom. I have a tenant arriving in 3 days and the house is totally not ready. The person who is supposed to be responsible for these projects has torn out everything under the sun, made a huge mess and in the long run will cause the scope of the project to be much bigger than it started out being.  A few minutes ago I asked if he was going to his Friday night get-together,  and he replied in the affirmative. He asked if I wanted to go with him. Of course I’d like to go spend a couple of hours with grown-ups and get out of the house. Instead, I replied that since the projects were nowhere near completion, I planned to spend that time working frantically on completing them. His response was “It’ll get done.”

That was the wrong thing to say to this farm girl. “It’ll get done” because I’M doing them instead of doing what’s fun. I’m doing what’s needed!

Over the past six months or so, I’ve gone from being indifferent to video games, computer games, and movies to having almost a hatred for those things, because they get in the way of what needs to be done. When entertainment gets in the way of what needs to be done, frankly, it infuriates me.

I cannot change this behavior in someone who is a grandparent, and I now realize I should not need to try to do so. My give a damn’s busted. Period. The only person my flexibility in this matter is hurting is me.

I have also received reinforcement for my belief that most folks of any age who have ADHD don’t have a deficit of the ability to pay attention, to focus on what they want to focus on; they can focus on whatever they want to focus on to the point it’s obsessive. If they don’t want to pay attention to something, “BANG !” that ugly “deficit” rears its head. As we say in south Arkansas, “That dog won’t hunt.” It’s not the ability to pay attention that’s lacking; it’s the lack of giving a crap about whatever you’re supposed to be paying attention to that is lacking. This isn’t a “disorder”. It’s a bad attitude and laziness.

I fight a lot of the time not to be anxious about things I can’t change, and it’s an uphill battle. There’s a big difference between that and just assuming that if I don’t do what needs to be done, somebody will magically take care of it since I didn’t. Folks, this is the real, grown-up world with responsibilities and having to do stuff we don’t feel like doing, not a fairy tale.

It’ll get done, because I’ll do it.

You’re welcome.